I Moved Your Cheese, Moron

Moving!

2009-09-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

Hello lovies.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have decided to blog again (or at least try). However, I have also decided to not continue the cheesepad, but rather move to a new place.

This decision wasn't based on any issues on the blog or anything of the sort. I just think sometimes we need to start again somewhere else. I am leaving this blog up for now. I don't have immediate plans to delete it, but I might eventually.

I have enjoyed meeting so many people through this blog, that I just wanted to make sure you know where to find me if you are still interested in reading about my life.

Here's the new addy:

http://therepublicofnatalia.wordpress.com/

There is nothing there other than some info in the "About The Author" section, but I plan to start posting tonight. Stop by and say hi.

Also, if you want me to link you, email me the addy @ bairesluv@aol.com.

See you soon.

-N

What is THIS? A New Post

2009-08-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

Something had to happen to make me blog again, right?

Well, ta-da! It did.

What is it? I am at TwiCon in Dallas. If you don't know why TwiCon is, it's the first ever Twilight Conference. If you don't know what Twilight is, your address might include "Under" and "Rock."

If you know me (and if you don't, I guess you are about to find out), you know I have sort of a love/hate relationship with Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga.

I had no idea what Twilight was until the film came out. At that point, my cousin asked me if I wanted to see the movie. It was MANIC. I am a vampire aficionado, so I was into the movie, even if they almost lost me when vampire Edward started sparkling in the sun instead of exploding. That aside, I was intrigued, so I bought the first book.

I couldn't put it down, and then proceeded to devour the remaining three books.

OK, so I understand that you might be wondering where the hatred part comes in, and the truth is that it's hard to explain. Bear with me as I bare my soul.

There are many issues when it comes to the books. One of them is that the writing is quite poor. If I had picked up the book years ago, before watching the movie and knowing what I was in for, I might have not continued past the first few pages. As someone who taught writing I was a tad bit embarrassed for the author, whose style was unrefined and who often came across as a histrionic schoolgirl (thanks Allie for finding the right way to put it) in the throes of her first crush. Meyer gets better at the craft as she progresses from book to book, but she never achieves the level of writing that one might expect from a best-selling author. Oh, wait...isn't Tori Spelling also a best-selling author? What was I thinking? I am not alone in thinking she is not particularly good. Author Stephen King has been quoted as saying, "Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good." Then again, some might say that about King, but I having read both, I'd say he is right, and he has the chops to make the criticism.

Then, my question to myself was, "Why can you not put the book down if she is so horrid?" I have yet to be able to answer that. I guess the story and the characters are interesting, which is a separate issue from the quality of the book. It is a mystery to me, and as someone who seeks to understand life, this discrepancy bothers me. A lot.

The quality of the writing is not the only thing that creeps me out. As a woman, and as someone who considers herself a feminist in many ways, these books disgust me. It's too much to get into in one post, and I am writing on it, but let's just say that Bella, the main character is not the most progressive or desirable role model for young girls. Twilight easily puts the feminist movement back a few good years. Not to mention both the alarming and unrealistic depiction of what love is supposed to feel like and look like. It is enough to make me want to scream. The positive thing is that some of us can use the book in order to start a dialogue about this.

Another area that concerns me is the religious undertones of the novel. Not because I am an atheist, but because they are sneaky and send the wrong message to those who read it without even knowing what they are consuming. I will leave that one alone for now, but, trust me, it's not pretty.

Last but not least, at least for now, I find it infuriating that Meyer gingerly did away with much of the vampire lore and admits to having done no research on vampires. As a professor, I'd like to give her an F for effort. As a vampire lover, I'd like to rewrite a lot of her stupid ideas.

Can you see me stewing as I write?

My father asked a very good question as he drove me to the airport to make my way to TwiCon. He said, "If you go to the conventions and speak about how the books are poor quality, get all the vampire stuff wrong, and have the wrong messages, why do you like them?" ARGH! I DON'T KNOW!

There is a lot to love. The characters can be a lot of fun, the adventures they have are exciting, and there is even a vampire mafia. Some of the stuff is incredibly cool and tons of fun, which I guess is what wins over my brain on most days. I've grown attached to the people, the places, and even some of the witty lines. I think she had a great cocktail going, especially the love story that seems so perfect to us who deal with the harsh realities of mortal romance. It can be intoxicating to just let that take you away.

See? Love/Hate/Love.

I feel a bit bipolar.

Anyway, that is a long intro to why I am blogging.

I have come to a place where I can allow both sides to live in harmony. The way that I look at it, Twilight is McTwilight, my fast food of sorts. It's not good; it's not good for me; but I still crave it at times. As long as I am doing my part as a professor to educate the youth, and I am also feeding my brain with high brow stuff, I don't think reading Twilight will be put me in the danger zone for stupidity.

Now, however, there is an added area that makes me feel ill about this whole thing: the fandom. Again, hard to explain. It's almost like you want to talk to other who like something you like, and who get why you like it. In that sense, meeting like-minded people can be awesome. However, I hate the word fan because of its etymology. It comes from fanatic, even if people might have disambiguated the meaning and now it just means someone who loves something with fervor.

Well, what I have been living here at TwiCon is fanatism to the max. It is nuts. People are lining up to breathe the same air as celebrities. People who might usually be intelligent have their brains instantly liquified by the sheer presence of someone whose face is on a film. People who might have a personality become nothing but carbon copies of others and act like a mob. It scares me half to death.

I have eschewed all celebrity-related activities while here. I came to deliver a paper and chair a panel, both educational endeavors, and I was hoping this would be as much fun as going to Forks for Summer School in Forks was. How deluded was I? Forks felt organic, real. We discussed the books, visited the places we love from the books, and geeked out watching the movie and yelling at Kristen Stewart to stop blinking every two seconds.

Here, we have been treated like kindergartners, herded like cattle, and it all feels like a consumption fest, not to be extremely Marxist about it.

I am exhausted and disgusted, but it has been an experience as a cultural phenomenon.

Would I do it again? There is a TwiCon coming up in Toronto, I believe. If no one from TwiCon reads this and gets upset at me, I might do it again, knowing what to expect and hoping that they have learned from this experience what should not be done.

This is a bit ranty and meandering, I know. I apologize. If anything, it is a testament to how I am feeling.

Will I blog again? Maybe. I am leaving it open.

Love you guys.

Natalia

Au Revoir

2008-12-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

Hello blogworld.

I am not sure exactly what to say...how to do this. I am going to do it the way I like it done when there is bad news to be delivered: fast, like ripping off a band aid.

This will be my last post.

Wow. I can't believe I just wrote that. The decision has not been arbitrary or sudden. I have been playing around with the idea, but I couldn't decide how to sever that tie. It hasn't been easy.

This has been my home, my haven, my playground, my labor of love. I have met wonderful people, many of which I consider dear friends. However, I feel my attention is too divided as it is. I have so much going on that I have hardly been able to do this blog any justice. As it is, the dissertation and my novel, as well as other smaller projects, constantly issue siren calls, drawing me away from this place. Honestly, they deserve my efforts, which are often siphoned off by the blog, or other online pursuits.

I am actually deleting the rest of the posts (well, really, I will be saving them on my computer and maybe trying to rework some of the best ones into articles for real publication) and will leave this one as a placeholder.

It's the right decision. At least for now. Hence the title. I love the fact that "au revoir," which is used to say goodbye in French, really means until we see each other again.

Who knows? Maybe things will calm down in a year, and I might just pick up where I left off.

This goodbye is not without sadness, but I am one to believe that one shouldn't be sad something is over. One should be glad it happened.

I will be on Facebook, so feel free to reach out to me there, or even email me at any time.

On that note, I leave you, but only in presence, as you will always be with me.

Daydreaming...

2008-11-20T16:10:00.000-08:00

This is what I am daydreaming about...

...because...

I AM GOING THERE IN LESS THAN A WEEK!

Yes, asshats. This gal is packing up and headed to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving. This is beautiful Tambor Beach, where I'll be spending a relaxing vacay. Weee.

Don't cry about the lack of turkey in my life; I'll have all-inclusive food and drink. Just picture me at the beach sipping some frozen concoction, or swimming up to the wet bar for a nibble and a cold one. Gobble gobble that!

I am psyched, stoked, and chuffed. *SNOOPYDANCE of TRAVEL*

Can we make it be Wednesday afternoon already???

Wish I could take you all with me.

Love,

Natalia

I Can't Brain Anymore

2008-11-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

I said I would update the blog more often. Well, so much for the often part. The more part I am giving a shot.

So here I am. Except that to be quite devastatingly honest, I am here because I refuse to allow myself to leave my computer as I am trying to meet a dissertation deadline. So, my clever and very tired brain is rebelling against my draconian rules and finding subversive ways to use my computer.

Indeed. It has come to that.

What's new? My car is having mood swings that entail not wanting to start. My buttocks feel like they have become one with the chair. I am in dire need of a vacation despite having been all over Europe this year. I need a massage. I cannot believe it's almost Thanksgiving.

Yeah...that is my update.

I better get back to my chapter before I start yelling at myself for being irresponsible.

Love you all.

Natalia

The Many Shades of Me - The Pictorial

2008-10-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

Some people have asked me to clarify why I say I am a lot of different people all rolled into one. It would take a book, but I will give you the basics with the help of visuals

Some days I wake up, and I feel like this:

I feel all girly and flirty. I want to take bubble baths and get a French pedicure. I put on happy pop music. I loll around in my silk sheets, and relish the feel of the cushions against my skin and the breeze from the fan overhead. I'm likely to put on a summer dress and sandals or something pink at least. I am likely to spend more time on my hair and make-up, make time for shopping, catch a quirky romance film with friends, and then end the day at a tapas place with some good sangria.

However, other days, I wake up like this:

I feel rebellious, and a bit dark and mysterious. I paint my toenails blood red or black and spend time looking through designs for my next tattoo. I listen to hard rock, punk, or anything angry. I wear leather boots, fishnets, and my sarcasm on my sleeve. I play around with the idea of dying my hair jet black with red highlights. I watch Queen of the Damned. I enjoy my time alone and feeling a bit maudlin. I crave a good horror or mystery movie or book. I get really productive on my short stories and poems. I'd be happy at an industrial music club or an NIN concert, sipping a snakebite and black, and talking to smart people.

And yet, the next day I might wake up like this:

I wake up energized, with one eye on the clock and another on my to-do list. My fingers are texting someone at the office before I am fully upright. I kick ass and take names. I dazzle in meetings and get the project off the ground. I favor tailored pantsuits and light natural make-up. I feel accomplished and productive. At the end of the day I marvel at everything I have done. I celebrate by meeting my friends for sushi and then move the convo to a martini or wine bar.

But, you guessed it...sometimes when I awake, I am more like this:

Serenity is the name of the game. I wake up to Gregorian chanting and meditate for a few minutes. I stretch and love the feel of the carpet between my toes. I open the drapes and enjoy the greens of Florida and the sounds of the birds outside my window. I want to hit the gym, eat fresh fruit, and spend the day experimenting with organic food from Fresh Market or Whole Foods. I want to go to the local Farmer's Market and pick out some new ingredient. I prefer yoga pants and a light t-shirt, but would love to try on a sari and get some henna tats on my hands. I opt for little to no make-up. I look into ways to go green and do some charity work. I spend more time with the cats and take a walk during the day.

But then again, I may wake up like this:

I feel full of passion for knowledge. I wake up ready to hit the classroom, with tons of energy and looking forward to a healthy discussion about the politics, cultural studies, or whatever on the table that day. I get a lot of dissertation work done. I can't wait to have a few minutes to read my theory books. I want to try some new type of ethnic food with people who love to discuss current affairs and discuss ideas instead of gossip about people. I feel academic and prolific. I plan my next conference and fantasize about going back to school after I finish my Ph.D. I listen to classical music and feel exhilarated.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg, to use a cliche. There are more sides of me. Here is the kicker: I am all of those Natalias in one way or another at all times. Which one takes over is never a choice. It just sort of happens. Despite the changes, I am always still me at the core. No, I don't have multiple personalities. I am not bipolar. There is a lot to me, however. More to discover.

I hope this makes sense. At the very least, it keeps things interesting.

Angerball

2008-10-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

I am not an angerball, generally speaking. I get angry, like most normal human beings, but I can also control myself.

Yesterday, I was tetchy. I am not sure why. It was a pretty good day. However, in the evening, when I was coming back home, I stopped at 7 Eleven to get gas. The pump wasn't working well, so I had to go inside the store to pay.

These days, customer service (or lack thereof) is enough to drive any person up the wall. This time, however, it wasn't the lackluster service that was chaffing me.

This guy and I got to the register at the same time. I, being the kind person I am, told him to go ahead and go first. As I waited, he proceeded to drive the clerk crazy asking her for a bunch of things from behind the counter. As I looked on, he piled on a few cartons of cigarettes to his good 5 bottles (40s) of beer, and then he started on the smokeless tobacco. Ewww on the dip, BTW.

He was being loud and obnoxious, and I just wanted to pay for my gas. In a rare moment of self-awareness, he realized he was being an ass and turned around and said, "sorry." To which I replied, "Oh, it's OK." And while my mouth stopped there, my brain went on, "Luckily, it doesn't look like you will be around this earth too much longer to chafe too many more people."

Ummm....how bitchy was I?

-N

Yikes

2008-10-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

Ummm...yeah...I am crawling out of my skin a little. Hence the pic of the snake shedding.

I don't know exactly what is up. I suspect I know at some level, but I can't or am not ready to deal with it.

Nothing is going wrong. In fact everything is going well-knock on virtual wood.

However, I feel like I want to get in the car, pick exactly one and only one person up, and drive to some remote location in the cold mountains and spend a good few days in a cabin with just food, drinks, and maybe a TV.

Hmmm. I'll keep you posted.

Expanding My Repertoire

2008-10-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am for trying new things. A lot. To the point that someone I once knew once called me a "flavour-of-the-weeker" as an insult because at times I get really excited about something new and then realize I am not so into it. Yet, this person was just into insulting me, and didn't really stop to think that it is by trying things outside of our normal routine that we learn and grow, and that we are allowed to discover new things and feel excited about them, and we also have the right to find out we don't like said things as much as we originally thought, and we can change our mind without feeling like flakes. A big WHATEVER went to this person then, and this still holds true.

I digress. Yeah, I do that a lot. In any case, I have been inclined to try new things lately. To wit:

- I'm joining a gym. Yeah, not earth-shatteringly new. However, here is the twist. It's a 24-hour gym. You know, in case I get the urge to go get on a treadmill at 3 am. Likelihood of that? Survey says: seriously? So, not so much for the 3 am urges, but so that I don't feel like I can use the gym's hours as an excuse not to go to it. See the distances I will go to in order to strip my life of any excuses to not work out? This is thinking outside the bun.

- I'm meditating. My life is so hectic that at times I forget to breathe. And breathing is kind of necessary for, um, living and what not. So, I am trying to start my mornings with some meditating time. Eyes closed, breathing consciously and purposefully, and clearing my mind. Now, that's the tough part. Anyone who knows me knows my brain knows not about speed limits or quiet times. It is always going. Shutting it down and trying to think of nothing is the most challenging things I've ever had to do. I am not giving up, however.

- I'm loving the monks. No, I haven't finally made good on my promise to swear off dating and go live in a monastery. Not yet, anyway. I am not ruling that out. My love of the monks refers to the fact that I have been listening to chanting. I was first exposed to chanting when Enigma did sampled monks in their song Sadeness ages ago. I always found it interesting and soothing. This week, I downloaded a CD called Chant from iTunes, and I have been using the chanting for my meditation time, and for background soundtrack for my dissertation writing time. That and classical music, which I've been a fan of for a long time. Who knew? Religious chanting soothes this atheist. I think it's a good thing my Latin is iffy. Otherwise, I might not be able to enjoy it given the message.

Have you tried anything new lately?

On Being Loved - A Further Explanation

2008-10-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

I love it when I get emails from readers. Even when it’s some random hate email, it still pushes me to think. Now, if you have spent any time at all on this blog, then you know I am quite fond of the thinkage.

After my post about not seeing Mr. Lukewarm any more, I received an email from a reader who asked me if I hadn’t made a rash decision and run away in some sort of temper tantrum, stomping the ground in manner of a spoiled rotten child because I wasn’t getting what I wanted when I wanted it.

Short answer: No.

Longer answer:

Still no, but here is why. I can understand where the question comes from. We have become a nation (and perhaps a world) of people out for instant gratification with a side of customized reality. And many of our expectations are indeed outlandish to the point of being ridiculous. However, this is me we are talking about. I am not some romance novel junkie whose fantasy-addled brain constructs whimsical ideals that no one can live up to. Give me some credit. I am a realist with an optimistic streak, not a quixotic simpleton who would throw away a good potential partner because he fails to meet some sappy soap-opera-like standard.

And as I said, I am not looking for co-dependency. I like my me-time. I love my time with my own family and my own friends. I am not looking for someone to attach himself to me like a magnetized man. I don’t intend to metaphorically castrate or emasculate my significant other in any way. I don’t want to be fitted with a homing device or followed by a puppy-like human being. I want passion, not obsession. Say it with me, “Stalking is not sexy.” Not to mention it’s criminal.

Have I made myself sufficiently clear? We are talking about the basics, here. If someone doesn’t feel the urge to ring you, if he doesn’t ask about your day, if he is not curious about your life, if he is not eager to see you and spend time with you, if he doesn’t take an interest in what makes you tick, then I hate to agree with the book here, but he is just not that into you.

And if he is into you, and that’s how he shows it, you have to decide whether you are OK with that kind of love. If this kind of commitment to the relationship fulfils you, then that’s great. If you, like most humans, desire and think you deserve more, then why stick around?

Might he eventually be into you? Perhaps. Yet, sticking around in hopes that someday he might love you the way you want and are worthy of being loved seems…well…pathetic. Not to mention painful, and quite useless. Let go. If he learns from that and comes looking for you, you might just still be available.

And this doesn’t just apply to someone you are dating. This applies to friends as well. If your friend never asks you any questions and is just content to talk about him or herself, you know there is a problem. If friend never remembers your birthday, or to call to see how your sick father is doing, or to make time to hang out, then you know the days of that friendship are numbered and flying by quickly.

And why fight it? There are other people out there–people who will not neglect you. There are people who can't get enough of you.

Perhaps that’s the issue here. I have been loved the way I want to be loved. I remember an ex who biked from his home to the nearest internet café when his service was down just so he could read an article I had just finished and on which I wanted his opinion. Another cancelled his plans with family and friends at the last minute to spend a weekend with me when something happened and I needed him. Someone in my past said that he wanted to drink all of me in, that he wanted to know everything there was to know about me; he joked that it was called getting a PhD in Natalia studies. And these are some simple examples that come to mind. There are many more in my memories.

It’s hard to settle for less once you have had that passion in your life. And why should you settle? I say bollocks to that…go for what makes you incandescently blissful.